ok, ok, so…i know what i said yesterday. back to work and trim the fat and all that. and so, at 445 i was up and hydrating, getting ready for 6 and a half hours or so, of training today. mixed up my bottles for the bike, running gear- check, swimming gear- check. drive down to my jump-off by the beach, setting my car up as a temporary home-base/transition zone for the day. parking is tough to find- for this kind of thing, i’m getting a late start. beginning things with a 4hour ride- an hour or so out, riding alongside the ocean sunrise; it starts. something inside of me does. not. want to do this. i’m not tired. i’m not cramping. i’m not hungry or overheated. but i’m miserable. it’s a beautiful sunday morning and i feel like picking up this bike and throwing it across the street. RAWR! i have no idea what this is. i just don’t want to be doing this. so. after all kinds of self deprecating attacks, i turn around. i cry a little. i rationalize. i snarl. i blame. and eventually, i get back to my car. i am truly feeling something like rage and i cannot explain why. when i get home, defeated, i pour myself a cup of coffee, greet the animals, change into some civilian clothes and pick up a daily meditation book. the subject for today? brahmacharya-temperence, moderation, balance. like a shotgun blast to the face, i realize, in no uncertain terms- i am out of balance. and i know it. yet my ego is attached to achieving this goal. this goal i’ve been pursuing with daily focus and determination for well over a year, for countless hours, ungodly hours; this goal which has consumed thousands of dollars, all of my attention, my sweat, my tears, my skin sometimes. this goal that inspired me to push further, harder, faster, with the kind of discipline that only true devotion could command. if i were still enjoying the process it would be different. it would be what it was. but i’m not. it’s not. and i have let things get too out of whack. my heart and mind have already moved on to things that bring joy(and balance); to yoga, and the woods; to piles of unread books; to activities that don’t require training logs and gps’s and a heart rate monitor; to my old ’90’s specialized allez with the dent in the toptube and the panniers that touch the spokes making a fluttery, purring, sound while i ride, carefree, just to feel the night air. and so, staying in this, forcing this, allowing my ego to overrule what my heart knows- is causing frustration. even rage. and i am going to have to stop. regroup. follow my heart. have some fun. relax. and allow life to flow again.
About Lisa Galloway
Lisa is a very mysterious workout queen. She lives, trains and loves life with her many pets and loved ones in West Palm Beach, FL.