Underlying all trauma is the consequent feeling of powerlessness. The other day I over-reacted to somebody with anger for what I felt was her irrationality. While true, she didn’t deserve the shower of anger I foisted upon her. I didn’t sleep well that night and found that my first thought in the morning was that I wanted some lox and bagels, my comfort food, knowing it was not a good choice. As I bit into my bagel, without any real hunger, it slowly dawned upon me that I was still reacting to her as victim. Further, I became aware this was a case of mistaken identity; this woman represented my mother who had been similarly irrational and as a consequence, had made my life miserable. Twice I had become victimized and felt powerless, once as a child and now again in that instant. Upon realizing she wasn’t my mother and regaining my own power again, I apologized to her for my over-reaction. I wish I could say I stopped eating the bagel. The good news was I didn’t eat two of them.
Other cases of mistaken identity include when we fall in love with others, not just necessarily lovers, but any person whom we have decided will occupy that gaping hole in our heart. I call them impostors. This place can be filled with brothers or sisters, other family members, children and animals for some. The thought of losing them is sometimes unbearable. It has become a case of mistaken identity because these persons have become impostors for what can spiritually sustain and fill that emptiness within us. Paradoxically, even though our love begins as an attempt to find ourselves, through our terror at losing them, we gradually lose ourselves and feel powerless.
If we are lucky, they will disappoint us as they must inevitably do. If we are really lucky, we will see it as an opportunity to heal that “hole” within us and become powerful through choosing and making real that which has a chance to permanently sustain us. Guess who and what that would be? If we are spiritual, we might embark upon a spiritual journey and use our mantra or other spiritual options to soothe this emptiness. Or we might fill it by beginning on a quest to fulfill some overwhelming passion that suddenly becomes evident because we have allowed the “emptiness” to emerge. This gives a whole new purpose to “emptiness.”
One must be brave to allow oneself to feel that emptiness inside and then be willing to embark upon the journey. It reminds me of the saying “Many are called, but few are chosen.” It becomes a spiritual journey once one attempts to not replace emptiness with another impostor. This is the spiritual journey. Not everyone has the courage to undertake it, but eventually we must. The end reward is hopefully to connect with what truly sustains and fills us.
About Uma Simon
Uma Simon is the Resident Intuitive at Kashi Ashram and is also the Spiritual Explorer at Ma’s India, a great gift store where she answers questions like what’s a good incense and how do you know when you found your guru? For personal readings you can contact her at 772-388-0903 or see her at www.umasimon.com