A few years ago I was talking with my guru, Ma Jaya, in a very small room with a handful of people. She was kicking my ass, something she was amazingly good at doing. I don’t remember the specifics now of what we were talking about, but everything changed in that moment. I walked out of that room and I knew something that I hadn’t ‘known’ when I walked in.
I knew that I was loved by God, by That Which Is Eternal, by what ever you want to call IT. I mean I had been hearing this my whole life. I heard it in church growing up (where I also heard what I knew I was deep down wasn’t loved by god.) I heard it from lecturers, authors – all kinds of people over the years. But this was different.
I walked away knowing that my existence, my breath, my experience in a body walking down the street feeling the sun on my face, all of it, was treasured and celebrated by what ever had spewed me forth into being. It was a watershed moment. It was a game changer. I KNEW it on the inside.
When I go back to that moment with Ma in my mind, I don’t remember the specifics other than looking in her eyes and seeing the love pour towards me as we talked. But ever since, I have been able to whip out that knowing when I need to, to wrap myself up in it like it’s a blanket. When I can take just a split second to bring that to the front of my heart, that surety, that awareness, makes a lot of seemingly insurmountable crap turn into gnats buzzing around my head.
It’s some serious mojo. I don’t know how it works, but I wear it like armor. I exalt in it. It makes me shiny on the inside, and probably on the outside as well.
I don’t know what was going on in that moment. I think Ma had to spend years cleaning me out, if you will, before I could hear that, before it was more than just words that I had heard over and over.
I am a unique expression of the Universe having a moment in the sun, and even when it sucks and I am a complete asshole to someone or so caught up in my shit I’m crazy as fuck, it’s OK. Because I am god experiencing myself experiencing myself.
Whatever is going to take me out of this dance is going to take me out of it. A bus. A clogged artery. Some stroke without a moment’s notice. I will die, because I drew breath. But between now and then, I hope I can always have a little sparkle in my eye because I know who I am.
And I know who you are, too.